I don’t usually do the whole “New Year’s Resolution” thing. I think that people usually get all caught up in it and end up making these elaborate, extensive, unrealistic promises to themselves that they end up being unable to live up to, and then they just feel terrible about themselves in the end.
Who needs all that pressure? I can manage to feel terrible about myself even without all that nonsense!
But this year is a little different. We’ve had such a weird few years. I mean our life was in this really wonderful place. We were happy, and even though I wound up in the hospital for several months in 2013, we got through it okay. Then 2014 became an all-new year of hell for us. We got what we thought we wanted, which turned out to be a curse. It took us until halfway through 2015 to correct our mistake, and then I spent the rest of the year trying to recover.
Trying to recover from getting something you always wanted took me longer than recovering from NINE surgeries. Crazy.
And I’m not all the way there yet, though I’m trying. And my therapist wanted me to take active steps toward the life that made me happy and finding new things that express the way I always wanted to live, but maybe I hadn’t had the courage for or the time for before. Some of that has been my writing, which I’m still trying to push forward with. Some of that is going to be art. Most of it is going to be imaginative and creative and expressive.
That’s my primary resolution this year: I want to make beautiful things. And in ways that I thought before maybe I couldn’t, so I’m taking on learning how to sketch. I bought a couple of how-to books and some art journals to work with and have a handful of sketching pencils waiting for action. Even though I scored good grades in high school art, I never studied past that, and am curious to see how I do. It’s something – sketching that is – that I just assumed I couldn’t do.
I’m trying not to assume any more.
I’m also trying to just get back to being myself again. Being unafraid. Controlling the anxiety and the depression. Moving on.
I hope that moving in the new year will help, as this house is filled with memories. I’m not making that a resolution because there’s a lot of factors involved that I can’t really control, but it’s a hope for 2016. A new place, a clean slate, and space for new thoughts and new memories and maybe feeling safe in a place again.
That means also picking up projects I’ve let slide when things got completely crazy. So, going back to the Japanese lessons. Going back to gardening in the spring. Going back to walking and swimming with some kind of regularity.
I have a lot of hopes for this new year. But I’m also not going to beat myself up if I can’t do more than baby steps. I have no huge goals, no overarching schemes to become a “new me”. I’d just like to be a me that I like spending time with again.